Fifty Shades of Twilight: 50 Ways They’re the Same Story

So the other day a group of my girlfriends were talking about Fifty Shades of Grey (as girlfriends do from time to time and usually it ends up with me going off on how everything in life has become crap since I got the news that Charlie Hunnam dropped out, but anyway). I brought up that FSoG was adapted from Twilight fan fiction and one of my friends, despite having read all the books in both series, was ridiculously understandably unaware of the relationship between the two series.

Bella Edward Christian Anastasia
Of course they’re not at all the same…

With effort to not use a “REALLY!?!” voice, I courteously offered a list of all the ways I could think of that Fifty bit Twilight’s style harder Sam Smith does a Tom Petty song. To this I got an, “Oh yeah, I guess,” from my friend, like it seriously had never occurred to her in the hours she spent reading these seven books. Which is okay. Some people don’t read as closely as others, and that’s totally fine. I love you for who you are. So, I smiled and let it go. Until later…

Not one to let things go–ever, and because, well, I guess I’m an obsessive-compuslive asshole, I went home and made a spreadsheet (yes nerds, a full-on Excel spreadsheet) of the 50 ways in which Fifty Shades of Grey and the Twilight Saga are pretty much exactly the same.

How E.L. James does not owe money to Stephanie Meyer is beyond me because the similarities are remarkable. It’s just that Fifty had all the slap and tickle we wanted (like perverts) from the 17 and 108 year old leads in Twilight.

So for those of you who were all like, “Whaaaa?” when you found out that Fifty Shades was based on Twilight here are the really subtle similarities that slipped passed the keen senses of your cartwheeling inner-goddess. Not that I blame you for not paying very close attention, you we’re probably just skimming the pages ’til you saw the words throb or nipple. You read that part didn’t you, you saucy minx?

****SPOILERS AHEAD****

Fifty Shades of Twilight (because they’re the same)
He/His=Edward or Christian | She/Her=Bella or Ana Twilight 50 Shades
Her exotic 4 syllable first name that starts with a vowel Isabella Anastasia
Her 1 syllable “S” last name Swan Steele
She’s clumsey X X
He’s impossibly gorgeous X X
He has semi-precious metal hair color Bronze Copper
She’s pale X X
She’s brown-haired X X
She has a guy friend of a different ethnicity who’s not so secretly in love with her X X
That guy has a “J” name Jacob Jose
She’s a literature buff X X
She works in unglamourous retail Sporting Goods Hardware
He is irresistibly drawn to her (like to a wounded puppy) X X
He has a desire to hurt her that he struggles to control (Wait, what!?) X X
He also has an obsessive need to protect her (But he still wants to hurt her?…) X X
He has a secret that she needs to keep X X
Set in Washington state X X
He’s incredibly wealthy X X
He saves her from an accident Van Cyclist
She thinks she’s not good enough for him…ad nauseum (say it with me girls, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough…”) X X
He’s a total control freak  X X
He and she fall in love ridiculously quickly X X
She’s a virgin X X
His eyes change color W/ Hunger W/ Mood
He’s adopted X X
His parents are ultra nurturing and understanding X X
His dad has a unique “C” name Carlisle Carrick
Her parents are divorced X X
She has a strong father/friend figure Charlie Ray
Her dad has been involved in civil service Police Army
Her father loves to fish X X
The “J” name-unrequited-love guy, her dad is friends with his dad Billy Jose Sr.
Her mom is sweet but a bit of a flake X X
Her mom is happily remarried to a single-syllable  Phil Bob
Her mom moves from a southwestern state… Arizona Texas
…to a southeastern costal state Florida Georgia
He has a younger bubbly sister with short dark hair Alice Mia
He has a physical, boisterious brother X X
That brother has an “E” name Emmet Elliot
He and she break up, seemingly in her own best interest X X
She’s uber depressed after the breakup X X
He and she get back together, obviously X X
Her very first time is blissed-out mind blowing sex (sure ok) X X
There is a very specific affinity for a Europen brand of car Volvo Audi
A crazy be-atch that he has wronged obsessively tries to harm her. (Seriously, her. Not him. WTH!?) Victoria Leila
She gets pregnant X X
He’s unhappy that she’s pregnant and is really a tremendous jerk about it X X
They get married X X
He and she get their own house X X
A meadow…a freakin’ meadow (Apparently canoodling in a flowery meadow is a thing. I honestly couldn’t even tell you where to find a meadow, let alone ever canoodled in one.) X X
They live happily ever after (of course) X X
I read every page (of course) X X

ENJOY THE MOVIE LADIES!!

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